How to renew child passports

Dig, Grit and all the little Grits are planning some adventures. Because we are organised, this means renewing three child passports which run out this year. Here's how Grit does it.

1. Get the passport renewal application forms from the Post Office. Lie about going to Shark, Squirrel and Tiger. They think that pulling down 6 application forms from the Post Office trays is a good game. Then, withing two minutes, there will be a pile of application forms for motorcycle tax discs, travel insurance, OAP bus passes, E11 medical cards, and post office savings accounts stuffed into Grit's handbag by little helpers. None of these are needed. And neither is the help.

2. At home, get the renewal forms out the handbag, preferably within the same month. If there are any problems now in processing the application forms it is better to leave time at the other end so we can drive down to the passport office if necessary. At that point it is highly recommended to take Shark, Squirrel and Tiger. I have noticed that in any place offering any service we always seem to be dealt with quickly after arrival once Squirrel starts screaming. (Of course this does not apply to A&E where we still had to wait five hours for the eye wound.)

3. Read over forms. Get very irritated about the erosion of civil liberties in the UK because apparently it is no longer the Passport Office. It is the Identity and Passport Service. Pause in all work to lecture everyone about the inevitability of identity cards in the UK.

4. Tell everybody to shut up because I am talking. Say that it is extremely important to be aware in this country and anyway I must get the forms right and it is not possible if Tiger is shouting Baby! Baby! Baby! in my ear, because then I will write 'Baby' in the space where it asks for my relationship to the child.

5. Go looking for a black pen. Be several days about that job.

6. Start to fill in forms. Be terrified of making a mistake, thus make a mistake and spell surname (that has been spelled the same for 148 years) wrong.

7. Get stuck. To fill in passport renewal application forms you need everybody's passport. Thank goodness that Dig is organised on this one and keeps all passports together in a safe place, wherever that is. Slowly write out lots of numbers in all the little boxes as instructed. This is not so easy with someone who has numerical dyslexia and routinely writes 15 instead of 51. Thank goodness far-sighted Grit actually has 6 passport renewal application forms to hand because she knew that 3 would never do.

8. Get fed up. Filling in a passport renewal application form seems to be all about 'If you have answered yes to 4b and your child was born after 1981 go straight to Section 9'. In theory, this should be a straightforward instruction requiring a small mental exercise to do with route planning. It would be too, but Squirrel starts making a squeak-squeak-squeak noise which is as effective as stabbing a knitting needle through the screen of a tomtom sat nav. Take aspirin, tell everyone to shut up and leave for 24 hours. Do not lose black pen in this difficult time.

9. Take Squirrel down to the Post Office where there is a photo booth blocking the aisle. The photo booth is strange. There are no printed instructions anywhere. Grit wastes 10 minutes of life looking for them. No Grit no. The photo booth is not a useless piece of metal junk which deserves a good kicking. The photo booth is advanced technology and we live in the 21st century. Remember, written instructions are dead. The photo booth talks! But only after you've put the first pound coin in. Only there are no written instructions to tell you this. Grit, remember next time to just stop shouting, put your money in and the photo booth will talk to you and tell you what to do.

10. Wind up seat very high indeed because child's face is below photo screen. Apologise when seat comes off in hand. Say loudly, so that Grit does not look like a middle-aged vandal now smashing up the photo booth with a small child for cover, that next time we could bring a happy bucket to sit on like that time we went to the Netherlands.

11. Sit child on seat. Check there is no modelling balloon inadvertently sticking up at the back of her head. Check she is not wearing face paints, scarves, glasses, is not smiling, has hair brushed back and is not clinging to the booth. Tell her to sit upright and take that look of terror off your face because you can't possibly fall off the seat at your age.

12. Tie her legs to the seat with a long scarf to stop her thinking she is going to fall off the seat again. Say it is lucky I got the seat back on otherwise you would have had to sit on the spike.

13. Shut curtains and stand outside. Shout things like 'Can you see the button? The photo booth says press the button!' Child is confused. Grit, who can hear the instructions but not see the buttons once the curtain is shut, is confused. The answer is simple: try and do photo-taking by remote control. Bend over and stick out your British museum*. Stick head under the curtain to see the buttons, hear the instructions and see the screen while checking that Grit's head cannot possibly be in the photo. This is all very complicated and blocks the aisle.

14. Repeat twice more with Shark and Tiger. Do not waste time looking for the instructions or pulling the seat off.

15. Collate 6 photographs, 3 filled in forms, and 3 passports and cleverly arrive at the Post Office at 8.55am, before the 9am pensioner crowd and after the 8.30am work crowd. Smugly stand in short queue waiting for the check and send service which costs £7 per passport.

16. At the counter where there is a sweet little old lady, have all passports rejected because they need countersigning on the basis that a child's face changes.

17. Argue. Say that two of the kids are are identical anyway. Say that Shark is still Shark and her face hasn't changed. Become sarcastic. Ask things like what did they do? Become John Travolta? Old lady replies that it is better to have your passport renewal application rejected at the Post Office instead of wasting time having it rejected at the Identity Agency. Realise that being facetious, argumentative and difficult with the old lady who controls the rubber stamp isn't going to get anywhere and come home.

18. Drive to the Hat's. She will countersign the ruddy forms and sign the back of the photographs to say it is really Shark, Squirrel and Tiger and not John Travolta. Forget it is now 9.45am and the Hat will be in bed because she has been partying half the night.

19. Get the Hat out of bed by banging on the door.

20. Try and be nice because this is a favour after all. Do pleasantry about weather. Then demand that the Hat countersign all passports. No, not later. Now. Try and look calm and collected when actually in a screaming panic because for the first time ever Shark, Squirrel and Tiger have been left all alone. They are having breakfast and arguing about dinosaurs. The neighbours, who are moving out the upstairs flat, are instructed to help if Shark, Squirrel or Tiger falls downstairs. Reason that this should be OK as the neighbour who is moving out is a nurse for the elderly, so something should translate between Edna who is 87 and falls downstairs and Squirrel who is 7 and falls downstairs.

21. Rush back to children. Still eating breakfast. Now arguing about helicopters. Go to Post Office. Shark's application is rejected on the check service because in the photograph she has her mouth open. What's more, the Hat, frog marched out of bed, has made an error on her own post code and overwritten it, so now it looks like a letter that's not in the alphabet.

22. Say 'Right that's it. I've had enough of the ruddy passports. We're going to the safari park to have fun'. At the safari park, renew the annual pass where Grit is told the annual price increase was yesterday.

23. Drive home. Wrestle Shark into Post Office on the way and get her in the booth to have another 4 photos taken with her mouth shut. Legitimately shout to child in public, 'Keep your mouth shut!' In hindsight, this is the only satisfying bit of the entire process.

24. Drive over to the Hat's and push a new renewal application form for countersigning through the letterbox.

25. Go home, unload children and drink beer. Wait for the phone call from the Hat to arrange dropping off the countersigned form back home so it can be married up to the photograph with the mouth shut and the passport.

26. Wait in all the next day for the Hat who finally arrives five hours after suggesting she might. She is off to a party and says she cannot stop, but does so for 55 minutes anyhow. By the time she leaves it is too late to get to the Post Office.

27. The following morning, rush to Post Office while Shark, Squirrel and Tiger are eating breakfast and arguing about horses. Stand in queue. At the counter, be nice to old lady this time. Hand over 3 forms, 6 photos (3 blank and 3 countersigned) and 3 passports, and wait nicely for 20 minutes while everything is checked and bagged up into envelopes.

28. Pay £159 and smile.

29. Go home and wait for one of the following events: a) passports arrive in good time and there is no need to panic; b) application forms are rejected and returned and Grit goes down the Post Office to give the old lady a tongue lashing; c) passports are received, accepted, reissued and lost in the post.

Easy.

* Bum. See Grit's Day